I Lost My Virginity to a Snake-dude, DUDE!
by DemonicPiano
Summary: It starts with a silly homemade nature documentary, but a surprising and scaly visitor interrupts to give Alfred a VERY warm welcome. Al makes the best out of the situation. It's not long before an odd organization reaches out to him about his videos, inviting him to the world of Fauna - animal people - and a goal to integrate them with the world of regular people-people.
1. Part 1

_Author's Note - Is this thing on? Howdy. If you like SOME BEAUTIFUL LADIES that need to be in more fics more often, snake-people, and characters getting it on with said snake-people, then...OH MAN. OOOOOH MAN. I got your back._

* * *

_A video starts. Rustling. Fabric. Wind. Light. The camera shakily pans on a young blond man grinning brightly at the screen._

"Hey, guys! It's 'ya boi' Al! Some of you were asking if I could do another nature documentary video. Well, like, two of you did, but still! I was like, 'Sure! Why not!' So...here we go!"

_The camera pans to a mesh of browns, greens, and the sky as Alfred whoops._

_~.~_

"Ha! Look at that!"

_The camera focuses on a tree laden with pointy, deep burgundy leaves._

"That's a Japanese Maple. Don't those leaves look like _weed_?"

_Alfred unleashes a cackle. The camera shakes accordingly._

"These guys are pretty cool. They like warm, sunny weather. Like me! Ha-ha! But these leaves, _maaaaaan_, they can come in all different kinds of shapes. Green, long, thin, red, whatever, but they still kind of look like pot leaves, though."

_Something cracks off screen_.

_Alfred gasps, and the camera is a blur until it stops on other various trees and bushes. Song birds can be heard, but there is nothing else to note._

"Ha, okay, I guess we should keep going. Maybe we'll find some cool worms or something."

_The camera follows Alfred's sneakers against leaves and dirt for a few steps. The distinct noise of a twig snapping sounds again, and he stops. The camera focuses on the trees._

"That's probably a deer lurking around." _Alfred fake-yells, _"Bambi! I know you're out there!"

_The camera wobbles as he laughs._

"I only have my pocket knife on me today, so I hope Bambi isn't feeling particularly rabid."

_A cautious step back._

"Hm, if I had some mace, I'd add some spice to my venison! Ha-ha! Oh, wait, there could be some vegans watching this!"

_Alfred crouches to the ground, and his hand comes into view as he turns over a mossy rock._

"Here's some moss for you guys! Delicious moss! Oh, you know there's a saying that moss only grows on the northern side of trees? Well, that's not true. Moss isn't picky like that. All sides of the tree are good sides. Even the inside."

"Here's a beetle. I'm just going to put that rock back. He doesn't seem too happy that I disturbed him."

_Another crack from above. It is loud, and Alfred's breath hitches._

_The camera catches underside of the forest canopy. Amongst the greens, a humanoid face gazes at Alfred._

_A tremble. Alfred is silent for a long moment before another quake goes through the device. _"What the fuck? There's a dude up there!"

_The dude shifts, leaning upside-down to poke his head out of the lower branches, revealing wide, slitted green eyes. Strange, scaly patches decorate his jaw, up to his cheeks and over to long, pointed ears. His mouth parts for a tongue to flick out for a quick moment, before it pops back in. The pale skin peeking from the leaves suggests he is not wearing a shirt, perhaps nude._

"Uh..."

_The guy moves again, sliding amongst the leaves in a fluid fashion. The camera latches onto the sounds of leaves swishing and twigs cracking. An enormous disturbance. Alfred gasps as an arm brushes down a tree trunk. Claws on the ends of the stranger's fingers sink into the soft bark. Green scales run up the length of his forearm._

"Oh, fuck," _the camera shakes once. _"That's not a dude. That's something else."

_The mess of yellow-blond hair pops out of the canopy once more. Staring steadily at Alfred, he sinks down the height of the tree. Something else follows behind his bare torso to wound around the tree - a long, thick scaly tail. No legs._

"Fuck," _Alfred repeats. The camera slightly rises, and quivers as he starts to scoot backwards._

_The creature reacts, slowly inclining forward. He reaches for a nearby tree with a human-like arm before the rest of him follows to wound around its trunk._

"I don't know what that is," _Alfred whispers. _"It kind of looks like a mermaid, but there's no gills on the neck. No webbed fingers. Ugh."

_A pink tongue flicks out again._

"Oh. Oh, fuck. I-I think that's...that's some kind of snake." _The camera wobbles side-to-side as Alfred's sneakers work into the dirt to scoot away from the creature. _"I don't like snakes. They don't have any arms! Well, usually they don't."

_The snake-man slides back into the canopy. Based on the branches' shifting, he follows Alfred's slow retreat. His humanoid faces peeks out of the leaves once more, steadily staring, but not angrily. He opens his mouth, and releases a curt call._

"Okay," _Alfred peps himself behind the camera as it shakes, _"just got to keep an eye on him. Can't look away. Or is that for canine-people? Oh, I don't know." _He yelps, and the screen jiggles. _"Augh, a sharp rock just poked me in the butt."

_Another, louder noise comes from the creature._

_Alfred stills._

_The creature's mouth opens as his thick eyebrows come together. He produces a longer note, pitching up at the end. Questioning._

"I think...I think he might be trying to talk to me!" _Alfred raises a hand. _"Uh, hi!"

_Snake-man tips his head._

_Alfred repeats, waving, _"Hi!"

"Hah?"

"Whoa, did you hear that?! I think he just said 'hi' back to me!'"

_The creature abruptly moves, thrashing in the branches._

_Alfred yelps, skittering backwards. The camera jars to a stop. _"Ouch! Yep, there's a tree there. Yep, that hurt."

_A series of murmurs and odd noises comes from the canopy, a moment before the creature emerges, sliding down the exact same tree trunk._

"Agh!" _The camera leaps as Alfred rustles through the leaves, scooting away._

_The snake-guy stops, picking his head up. He pulls an arm from the trunk, and copies Alfred's waving gesture._

_Alfred sounds terrified and amused at the same time, _"What the fuck, man!"

_A soft chirp, and the creature sinks to the forest floor._

"Oh, no, no!" _The camera wobbles as Alfred's sneakers kick the ground again._

_The creature hesitates, still gazing, almost marveling. He performs the wave again._

"No! You don't do that! Shoo!" _A hand flicks in front of the screen. _"Go away! Shoo!"

_Snake-guy mimics the gesture. _"Shh!"

_Alfred repeats himself._

_Snake-guy puts his hands to the ground to pull himself forward._

"Eek! No!"_ The camera jostles as Alfred loops in a wide arc around the creature._

_They weave before one another for a full circle until the snake-man stops and lets out a long, _"Brrrrr?"

_A smack of skin._

_Snake-guy slaps his own face._

"Quit copying me!"

_A string of noise comes from the creature's lips, almost replicating what was said in gruff gibberish._

"Ha-ha, what the heck, dude! Seriously. He won't go away! Don't eat me! I promise I won't taste good!"

_The creature perks up with a delighted chirp._

_An angry shake, _"No! I said I _wouldn't _taste good!"

_Another questioning murmur. A long scaly body twitches behind the snake-man, curling amongst the leaves and quaking, almost in a delighted manner. A long tongue swipes over his lips._

_Alfred draws a short inhale._

_The creature leaps, hands spread out._

_Alfred screams._

_A flash of green scales collides into the camera, and colors from Alfred's clothes glimpse across the screen. It bounces, landing upside down. _

"No! _No!" Alfred shrieks off-screen. A couple of thumps. Leaves furiously rustle. _"Help! Oh, fuck! Fuck! He's eating me! Help! Somebody!"

_More struggling. Leaves tumble into the edge of the camera's view. The focus zooms on a particular tendril creeping up the side of a tree. Alfred's screams morph from horror to shock and confusion._

"Nuh, hey! Let go! Don't...what are...what are you trying to...dude! What the fuck, he's trying...he's trying to take my pants?! Get out of here! You don't even have legs!"

_A long, gentle hiss. Wiggling from two bodies. Disgruntled grunting._

"What the fuck!" _Alfred repeats in a bewildered whisper. _"Hey!" _He suddenly yelps, _"Okay, ow, ow! He's biting me! I knew it! He's going to eat...wait, that doesn't really hurt..."

_Another delighted hiss._

"Whoa, whoa, hey, hey! What are you doing?! G_ah!_ Don't...what? Nuh-uh, uh! D-don't put your hand there! Agh! N...hey!"

_A short moment of silence._

_Alfred catches on a sharp breath, _"D-do-on't! Oh! _Oh, ah!_" _A little moan, _"Ooh!"

~.~

_A hand clamps onto the camera, disrupting the stillness. One side of Alfred's dirt-smeared face takes up most of the view as a wide blue eye darts around. _"Where's the stop button? Where's the stop button?!"

~.~

_(The next video is titled - '_I Lost My Virginity to a Snake-dude, DUDE!')

_The video starts in the interior of an old red pick-up truck. The driver's side door opens, and someone gets inside. Alfred. His face scrunches in an odd way as he wiggles into his seat and closes the door._

_He does not look at the camera._

"It's been a few days since my, um, last recording. I'm not sure if I'm even going to upload these _now_, but..." _He leans against the headrest, sighing. A hand swipes over his face. He pinches the bridge of his nose._

_Alfred tosses his hands down. He pivots toward the screen. _"They're called nagas. Snake-people." _A subtle shudder, and his eyes jump somewhere else. _"Not much is known about them, actually. Usually they live alone, unless it's, uh, breeding season. Which is around early fall, so I guess the babies pop out in the spring when it's nice and warm? Aaaand it's early fall now. Uh-huh. They're supposed to avoid people, you know? _Supposed to, _and I, um...I totally got jumped by one in all the funky ways! Yep!"

_He leans his head on the steering wheel with a groan. _"This whole thing is freaking weird."

_Alfred straightens with an oddly wide smile. _"Okay! It's okay! I'm not going to be traumatized by this. Nope! Instead, I'm going to make the most of it!"

_He sticks his keys in the ignition, and the vehicles kicks to life. _"Not much is known about these guys, huh?_" A more determined smack on the steering wheel. _"Well, we're about to change that!"

_Alfred reaches over and touches the camera. The video ends._

_~.~_

_A walk through the forest. Alfred's sneakers crunch on twigs and decaying leaves. The camera pokes out of his book bag via selfie-stick, which bobs to his movements for a more third-person POV._

"Yoo-hoo!" _Alfred calls. _"I think this was the place. Yeah...definitely..."

_Alfred tosses a look behind himself. His mouth is pulled in a worried frown. _"I have no idea how to even attract a naga in the first place. Yoo-hoo! Nah, don't think that's working. Okay."

_He stops and begins to dig in his bag._

"So, I heard online that they're pretty curious creatures, but the thing is, they're slick about it. They won't just ram in headfirst like a mer-person would. They're like, 'Woo.'" _Alfred sways side-to-side. _"What I'm going to do is chill out around here, and blast some ambient noises. Hopefully that'll get his attention. If he's still close. If not, or if something else comes..."

_Alfred lifts his hand, wiggling a sheath about the size of his palm. A blade pops out. _"I got my pocket knife. Let's hope there are no bears, or bear-people around here."

~.~

_Alfred relaxes against a birch tree, nodding along to the sound of a xylophone dinking. He turns and mutters, _"Okay, that's getting on my nerves."

_The noises change to cars and larger vehicles beeping as they back up._

_~.~_

_Alfred fishes a chocolate chip cookie from his back bag. An off-key kazoo plays from his audio device._

~.~

_A period of silence. Alfred slumps against his tree, glasses sliding down his nose as he nods off._

_"DISRESPECT YOUR SURROUNDINGS!"_

_Alfred thrashes. Immediately, his hands find his device and the sounds stop._ "Whoa," _he laughs and pushes his glasses up, _"I forgot I had that on there!" _Shuffling. He pushes to stand with a grunt, _"All right, I think I'm going to get up and walk around some more."

~.~

_Trees and shrubbery slowly pass by. It is an extremely uneventful walk. Alfred swats at a moth that gets too close._

"I was thinking of starting a fire. Like in a pit, not just...randomly. Smokey the Bear would _strangle _me! And I'm trying not to catch bears! Of any kind!"

_Alfred swings his head. He freezes, arms out and hands spread in shock. He quickly loops around a tree to hide. The selfie-stick comes out of his bag, panning up to his frightened face. He whispers, _"I think I just saw something! And it's not a bear!"

_He grips the stick, and pokes the camera from his hiding spot. Sure enough, basking on a pile of boulders in the middle of the forest, is the naga. The camera visibly trembles._

"Looks like a cinematic scene from a video game, doesn't it?" _Alfred's weak laughter is cut off by a gulp. Snake-guy flips over, putting his stomach to the sunlight streaming through a break in the canopy. His back arches against the rock, stretching his long tail before easing back to a content curve, where the tip waggles idly. _"Oh!" _Alfred makes a funny noise, _"Mm, that's...I don't know. Something else, that's for sure."

_Snake-guy lets out something like a sigh, scratching the side of his face against his stone perch._

"I don't know if I should just...walk up to him, or..."

_Alfred watches a bit longer. He sniffs, shakes his head, and retreats behind his tree again. He lets out an unsteady exhale as he tucks the camera to peek out of his backpack once more. He rubs his palms against face. Straightens his glasses. Nods. _"All right. Here we go. If I get eaten, donate all my stuff to those charity drop-offs. Like, just stuff everything in there. And tell my bro, Mattie, I love him, and I know this was stupid."

_Alfred steps from his super protective tree. The camera tilts, lopsided. He manages a few steps until the creature picks up his head. Snake-guy pushes himself from the stone, gawking with wide, green eyes. The twitches in his tail increase in fervor. A wiggle racks his hips. Alfred slows considerably. Then, a light, _"Murrurr!" _escapes the scaly being._

"Ha, what?"

_Still steadily staring, the creature thrashes, as if he were to slide off the rocks, but stays put. Alfred takes a slow step forward. Nothing. Another step._

_Quietly, _"Um, so, hey? I, uh, was just...I decided to stop by and...see you, I guess."

"Murph."

"Y-yeah?" _Alfred brushes his hands over the rocks before easing himself on top of the pile. He bites his lip as he finally settles onto the stone, right in front of the naga. "Hi. Uh, were you expecting to see me again?"_

_The creature leans forward. Alfred flinches. A nose to his cheek. Deep inhale. Alfred lets out a timid giggle and squeezes his eyes shut. A tongue flicks out and brushes his skin. Snake-guy dips his head and does it again, down his cheek, then his jaw, then nudges the crook of Alfred's neck._

"I think this is a good thing..."_ Alfred murmurs._

_The snake-dude jerks back with a startled chirp, staring and almost looking embarrassed. His tail-tip spasms periodically on the rocks._

_Alfred tips his head, _"Um..." _He lets out a little laugh. Leans forward. Closes his eyes. Kisses the creature on his mouth. The twitching stops. He jerks back a little, glimpsing over a scaly face, but the naga pulls forward to squish themselves together again._

_It is at least a few solid seconds of lip-locking before Alfred remembers the recording. _"Oh!" _He twists away, clamping a hand on the camera, but not over the screen. _"Uh...I'm probably gonna have to edit some of that out..."

_Snake-guy squashes his nose to his face again, letting out something like a throaty purr. He pulls away and rushes across the boulders in a sashay of wiggling. Alfred is left gawking with his mouth open. He pivots to the camera. _"Dude! I just made out with a snake!"

_He smacks his hand to his face. _"This is so _weird!_" _A cackle, _"I don't even know his name."

_A messy blond head pops over the rocks, calling again. Something dangles from his mouth. A teensy chitter, and he glides over the rocks._

_Alfred babbles, _"You might not even _have _a name. Can I call you...uh, babe? How's babe?"

_The naga pulls himself to a sitting position against Alfred's shoulder, cooing all the way. A limp mouse slightly swings by its tail, from his mouth._

"I mean, we already did some stuff. Doing everything backwards, huh? Guess we're babes now!" _Alfred's lame laugh is cut off as Snake-guy drops his catch into his lap. Alfred stares down for a moment. He throws his arms up and screeches, _"Oh, oh, my God! That's a freaking _mouse!_ UGH!"

_The poor thing goes flying off screen._

_Snake-guy gives Alfred a weird look before slithering after it._

_Alfred blanches, swiping his hands over his cargo shorts with, _"Ick. Ugh. Ew. So gross. It was all dead and stuff!" _He slips off his back bag, jangling the camera around as he rummages. He pulls something out, and fixes the camera to peer at his face. He gives a reassuring smile before turning in time for 'Babe' to come back._

_'Babe' drops the dead mouse back on the rocks and puts a hand down. Lets out a long string of grumbles, furrowing his brows._ _He points to his mouth._

"Nah, that's okay,"_ Alfred says. He holds a plastic bag to the creature's face. _"Here, try these instead! I'm sure they taste way better than...um...dead rat."

_Snake-guy tips his head, nudging the bag with his chin, before clamping his teeth over the plastic._

_Alfred laughs and shakes the bag so his babe lets go. He opens it and reaches inside. _"No, you dummy, you don't eat the bag! You eat what's inside!" _He guides a cookie to the naga's mouth, holding it there until there is a tentative bite. _"Yeah! See?"

_Under courage, the rest of the treat goes down the hatch, and the naga nibbles at Alfred's fingers. _"Wasn't that good?!" _After three seconds too long, Alfred pulls away and digs in the plastic baggie for more. One for himself. Another for his buddy. _"Heh, you're a pretty funny guy, aren't you?"

_Alfred brushes his thumb against the naga's face, squishing his cheek to reveal a long fang. _"Woo, look at that!" _A grunt, and the snake-man jerks away. _"This motherfudger sank those suckers into my neck last time!"

_Staring._

_Alfred sets down the cookies and pokes the creature's nose with a _"Boop!"

_'Babe' unleashes an offended, drawn-out squawk._

_Alfred stares back for a solid second before erupting in snickers. He puts a hand to his face, laughing a little harder. The naga creeps forward. Al is too busy laughing._

_Pressing closer, 'Babe' lowly coos against Alfred's neck as he curls himself around a leg. Alfred flinches and squeaks. _"Eek! Don't stick your tongue in my ear! You wacko! Ha-ha-ha!"

_A hand hits the camera, disrupting it for a quick moment. Alfred's laughter morphs into something else as his buddy starts to eagerly grind against his stomach, _"Ha-ha, oh, _oh!_ Yo! W-wait!"

_They fall back onto the rocks. A hand swishes at the camera. _"Augh! Okay, o-okay!" _Alfred manages to latch onto the device from under a squirming, scaly body. _"I get it! Let me-"

_The video ends._

_~.~_

_Rustling. Fingers against the screen. Alfred softly sings, _"Oops, I did it again!"

_The camera is in a secluded, dim-lit place, surrounded by rock._

"Hey," _Alfred whispers off-screen. The device tilts, and his face comes into few, upside down. One half of his hair sticks out from the side of his head. His smile is lopsided. _"I totally passed out. Battery's almost dead, but I thought I should get some of this."

_The camera flips, focusing on a bare backside. _"That's him." _Alfred reaches out, and brushes scales sprinkled between the naga's shoulder blades. He lets out a curious, _"Burrr?" _and rolls over. Slitted eyes catch the late Sun, glowing in the confines of their respite._

_Alfred shifts the camera away as the naga wiggles, wounding around his legs and resting his face to a bare chest. The device flips again, and pans to the side, where Alfred grins against a head of sunny-blond hair. The creature's eyes are closed._

"Totally crashed in his...nest-thing. Guess what means were something now, huh?" _Alfred insinuates in the dying sunlight, _"Snake-boyfriend. Heh-heh." _He plants a kiss to the naga's forehead, who lets out a soft grunt. _"Hey, whatever, I'm easy-going. He's digging me, and I can go with that."

"I don't even know his name. I don't even know if he _has_ a name."

_Alfred blinks, staring off to the side. _"I think I'm going to give him one. Got to think..." _He breaks into a yawn. Snake-guy grumbles. Alfred pats his head. _"All right. I think he wants me to shut up. This is Jones' Wildlife Scavenger...Adventure-Thingy...whatever weirdness I stumbled into...logging off."

_The video ends._

* * *

_A.N. - I was thinking of uploading this as a giant one-shot, but that's not my style. So, I broke it up into several, more manageable chunks. More to come soon._


	2. Part 2

_The next video starts on top of Alfred's dashboard as he trucks down a country road. He keeps his bright blue eyes forward, grinning to himself as he sports two fang-sized divots in his neck._

"I was watching my favorite talk-show comedian the other night. Arthur...uh, I can't ever pronounce his name right, even though I've been watching him for months now!" _Alfred chuckles, and nods, _"I like that name. I think that's what I'm going to call him. Arthur."

~.~

"Camera's nice and charged. Got towels, snacks, you name it, all in my bag of goodies." _Alfred carries his selfie-stick with the camera on top. He pauses mid-step to give his backpack a shake. He steps deeper into the forest. _"Cookies again. Arthur seemed to like those. Should nagas even have cookies? Hm..."

_Alfred lets out a shallow, _"Heh. Brought some lube with me this time, too!" _He scrunches his eyebrows and gives the camera a pout. _"Don't judge me. We all have our kinks."

~.~

"Hey! What'cha doin'?" _Alfred shouts to a body thrashing in a nearby pond. The naga picks up his soaked head, staring with wide eyes. He releases a delighted round of chirps and grunts as he pulls himself out of the water._

"Aw, no. Aw, come on," _Alfred slides off his bag. The camera tumbles to the forest floor. Snake-guy is a flash of skin and scales as he leaps from the ground and tackles Alfred. Two bodies fall in a great thump. Thrashing. _"Ugh! You're all wet!"

_A hand grabs the camera and turns it, showing the naga twisting around Alfred's legs and wiggling excitedly as he nips at his neck._

"Aw, I missed you, too! It's been a couple of days!"

_Alfred tries to sit up, propping himself on an elbow to brush a palm against his babe's cheek. Fangs promptly prick him, and he jerks away. _"Ye-ow! Okay, so it's been more than a couple of days. I was getting stuff!"

_An angry, _"Murrrrr."

_Alfred tries, _"I was getting stuff for you, babe!"

_Snake-guy eases with a grumpy grunt as he sticks his face into Alfred's now-soaked shirt. The tip of his tail twitches in delight from awesome head scratches._

"Arthur," _Alfred says. _"You're going to be Arthur. Unless you already have a name, then no complaining!" _A drawn-out groan, almost as if to tell him to shut up. _"Okay, Arthur it is! Arthur! That's you! Arthur..."

~.~

"Eh, I didn't get much take the past few days," _Alfred says as he jerks a thumb toward a tree, _"but I've been collecting some serious scientific data!"

_Alfred nears the tree, grinning at the camera as he adjusts it to reveal the tail end of Arthur rummaging for whatever in the leaves. He waits a moment, points, and then takes the base of the scales and presses an endearing kiss to it. The tail immediately slips from his fingers and an angry, bushy-browed face pops from the canopy._

_Alfred keeps grinning at the camera, holding a peace sign. A grunt, and Arthur slinks back amongst branches._

"Scientific discovery one! These guys are _omnivores. _Yeah, he's got those fangs, but that's for when he's hunting and needs to _lunge for the kill!_" _After waving his free hand around like a buffoon, Alfred puts it down. _"The rest of his mouth looks the same as ours. I think. I really didn't get all in there. Uh...his tongue is pretty long? I guess I shouldn't have said that."

"_Anyway!_ I seen Arthur eat berries, nuts, mice - ew, yeah, I know - cookies, and he even plucked a damn fish out of that pond over there and crammed it down his face-hole. Freaking savages. Still, I think I put him to shame," _a wink, _"with the things I put in my mouth."

~.~

_Splashing. Arthur spins around in his beloved pond as Alfred grins at the camera peeking over his shoulder. He holds up two fingers. _"Scientific discovery two! It's still really warm out during the day, so Arthur chills out here. The mud's pretty cold."

"Later on the day, he likes basking on his favorite rocks...like a lizard!"

_Arthur is a great thrash of water and scales in the pond, a moment before he sits up with a little fish wriggling in his mouth._

"At night, his nest protects him from the rain and the cool air, but it's still pretty nippy in there." _Alfred tosses behind himself as the fish vanishes down the naga's throat, _"Guess that's where I come in, huh?"

_Arthur stares quizzically before shuffling some more._

"I also put down a blanket. It's _s__o _much better than laying on the ground all the time."

~.~

"Scientific fact three!"

_It is dark. The device shifts, being moved. A humanoid figure is sitting up, staring in its direction. Two eyes are glowing in the moonlight._

"See that? Nagas must have another eyelid we don't. That's what makes 'em reflect and glow all spooky like that. Isn't that neat?" _A hand nears Arthur's face, and Alfred speaks in a babying tone, _"And just look at those ears! So green! So pointy...ow! Ow! He's biting me!"

~.~

_The den is lighter now. Arthur lays on a burgundy blanket, picking at a string. The rest of his body is spread almost straight from himself._

_Alfred's voice suddenly booms, startling him, _"Scientific fact number four that you totally don't need to know!"

_Alfred sets the camera on the ground and crawls over to his snake-boyfriend. He only wears boxer shorts. Arthur rubs the bridge of his nose, but is soon taken back as Alfred grabs at the scales along his sides and starts running his fingers along his hips in a ticklish manner. _"N-na-nuh-uh!"

"Ha-ha, you hear him?"

_Arthur's mouth pops open, squeaking and grunting and trying to nip at Alfred's fingers without much success. A thick tail wallops his bare back, and Alfred yelps, flattening to the ground. He stays still for a few seconds as Arthur scowls at him, flicking himself in an irritated manner. Still, he presses a palm to Alfred's shoulder, and grumbles in annoyed curiosity._

_Alfred pops up, flashing a cheeky grin at the camera, _"I'm okay!" _He squishes closer to his buddy, making kissy noises. _"Aw, baby, I'm sorry. Come here. Let me..."

_A grunt, and Arthur actually rolls his eyes as Alfred pecks his cheek. A hand generously rubs up and down his stomach. _"Is that better? Is that better, honey?"

_A softer grumble, and a smile teases Arthur's lips as he leans his head against Alfred's._

"Uh-huh, yeah, I know!" _Alfred tosses a glimpse back to the camera. _"You can't see it now, 'cause it's all, um, tucked up in there, but..."

_Alfred coughs. He spews out, _"Their dicks are like, ribbed, man! It feels really, _really _good, I'm telling you. I don't know why, but...yeah!" _He sticks out his tongue as his legs swoops out and boots the camera. It rolls and catches a wall. _"Not going to show you that though! Ha-ha-ha!"

~.~

"Scientific face number five!" _Alfred grins at the camera, holding it a few feet from his face and the top of Arthur's head. _"I'm beat! Plus, my battery's about to go. Little info!"

"Nagas love naps! I mean, I do, too, but if this guy," _Alfred lowers the device to reveal a snoozing Arthur furrowing his brows in his sleep against him, _"isn't eating, or rummaging or basking, or...uh, doing other stuff, he's snoozing away! He sleeps a few hours with me, but he's always awake by the time I get up."

_Alfred puts the camera on the blanket, pinching his eyes. _"Okay. Got to go now." _He kisses the top of Arthur's head before turning off the device._

_~.~_

_(The next several clips are mashed into a compilation titled, '_Just a Bunch of Random Crap.')

"Scientific face _numero_ six!" _Alfred grins at the camera, waiting a good moment as it focuses on Arthur drooped on top of his rocks, picking at flaky skin. He then hollers, _"I'm horny as_ FUCK!_"

_Arthur flails, and is a mess of arms and scales as he tumbles off the stones._

_~.~_

_Alfred wears sunglasses as he cruises in his truck. A twangy country song plays as he stares ahead. He then jerks his head as a good part comes out, whipping out a fist, and mouthing the words to the song._

"Oh, shit!" _Alfred clamps his hands on the steering wheel as his truck veers off the side of the road._

_~.~_

_Daylight. The camera sneaks on Arthur in the grass, bare back to the sky. He is picking at a flower, even going as far as sticking it in his mouth._

_Alfred reaches over and clamps a hand where his left buttock would be, if he were human. _"Honk, honk!"

_Arthur whirls around, flower stem sticking out of his mouth as he glares over the camera._

_~.~_

"Hey!" _Alfred flops besides his bestest buddy inside the den. He holds the camera straight from their faces. _"I love you! I love you, Arthur! Can you say that?"

_Arthur sticks a finger up his nose._

_~.~_

_The camera is poised over the pond bed. Alfred peeks over the stones, then lowers himself into the water. A few moments of soft trickling. Dragging comes closer. The leaves stir. Arthur is about to dip, when Alfred leaps out, _"Ragh!"

_Arthur springs into the air in a mix of snarling and hissing. He comes back down with a giant thud. Alfred claps a hand over his mouth, eyes wide on the tail wreathing off screen. _"Oh, my God. Are you okay?" _He hurries from view. _"Are you okay, babe?!"

~.~

_On the rocks again. Arthur has his head titled to the sky, eyes closed. The camera nears, and a hand breeches the screen, ready to pounce._

_Arthur whips around as if he is to lunge for the kill._

_Alfred squawks and the camera sails into the air as he tumbles off the stones._

_The camera hits the ground, panning to the sky. Very human-like and villainous laughter spills from Arthur's perch._

_~.~_

_In the den, almost nightfall. Alfred leans over and screeches, _"G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S! Ooh, I'm _glamorous-_"

A clawed hand wallops him in the face.

~.~

[REDACTED]

~.~

_Another take in the nest. Alfred lifts the camera over Arthur's dozing body and puts it on the ground behind him. It only shows his bare back, and Al grinning against his shoulder._

_Keeping a steady eye on the device, Alfred presses his mouth to his boyfriend's neck for a long moment. The hand tracing soft circles into bare skin slips and stays off screen._

_Arthur stirs, taking in a sharp breath as Alfred trails down his neck, to his chest. A soft purr, and he closes his eyes again as that hidden hand retreats to reach over their heads._

_Alfred holds a small bottle. He clicks open the cap and lifts his other hand so the contents ooze onto his fingers. One side of his mouth creeps up his face as he sets the bottle down. His touch slides out of view again._

"Mrr?" _Arthur shifts, nudging the side of Alfred's cheek. His eyes fly open and he gasps, but they flutter as he melts against his lover's bare body. _"Ooh..."

_Alfred grins against Arthur's jaw, an eye still on the camera. _"Yeah, you like that?" _The subtle movement in his shoulder picks up to a steady pace. Arthur lets out gibberish and ducks his head, nipping at Alfred's neck. Wreathing and panting increase in fervor and volume as claws scramble for a firm hold._

_A wink, and Alfred's unoccupied hand gropes the camera. The scene ends._

_~.~_

_Brightness jars the last clip. The camera is set on a stone surface. It adjusts to a view of the forest._

_Alfred randomly screams and runs in front of the device and deeper into the trees, wearing only his boxers._

_A head of yellow-blond hair peeks over the stones - Arthur investigates the echoes from his den. He glances around, letting out a soft, confused chirp. Yelling comes back, and he bristles, hopping onto the stones and curling his body into a tight ball._

_Alfred swoops past some bushes, stumbling to a stop before the rock pile to catch some breath._

"Yo!" _He pants, _"I would totally recommend just going out in the woods and going _feral!_ It's freaking great, man!"

_Alfred whoops, sticking his arms from his sides again and runs off._

_Arthur glances to somewhere else, appearing to be utterly disturbed. The compilation ends._

_~.~_

_(The following video is titled, '_I FINALLY ANSWER FAN QUESTIONS YAAAAAAAY!')

_(The description below the title asks how many A's are appropriate in a yay.)_

_The camera is poised to a dining chair. Someone hops into view, and Alfred flops onto the seat. His eyes are wide, and his mouth is a broad, open smile. However, he winces, _"I shouldn't have sat down that hard."

_Next take, _"Hey, guys. It's been a while since I addressed any questions, comments, concerns. Let's face it. I know ever since I met Arthur, like, things just got more interesting from there. For you. For me, too! Uh...I been doing video after video, hanging out with him, having a blast..."

_Alfred trails off as his eyes unfocus for a brief moment._

"Okay! So, I'm obviously back at my house for this one. It's going to t-storm later, so I want to get this out in case the power or something goes out."

"First question!"

"'Starbursts or Smarties?'"

"I hope you're talking about American Smarties." _Alfred lets out a little laugh as he glances down. _"I'm going to have to say Starbursts. Smarties are like crack, but in a bad way. Too chalky."

"'HOW BIG IS UR SNEK BF'S DIK?'"

_Alfred pinches the bridge of his nose. He swipes his palms over his jeans as he uneasily smiles, _"You know, I usually don't bring a ruler with me whenever I go out. Anyway, that's between Arthur and I. And Jesus."

"'Hey! I'm totally hooked on your videos! I studied a few courses of animal biology in school, and I just love LOVE seeing Arthur. Anyway, how tall/long/I'm not sure what to use here is he when he stands up? Would you happen to be able to guess his weight?'"

_Alfred whistles, _"Now you're speaking all science-y. Um...Arthur usually comes up to here when we're both standing." _Alfred puts his hand below his nose. _"Buuuuut he's got like, a few feet of tail he uses to balance, so he's got to be like, nine, ten feet long. I have no idea how heavy he is, but that guy can move for his size. Just saying."

"'Are you gay?'"

_Alfred leans close to the camera, steadily staring for a few unsettling seconds. _"No."

_Glittery blue, purple, and pink text comes across the bottom of the screen that reads, _"Bisexuality FTW."

"'Wat if da government catches you! D:'"

"The government can kiss my ass!"

_The door bell rings. Alfred falls out of his seat, screeching, _"Government!"

_He opens the front door, talking inaudibly to an elderly-sounding person. Soon he closes the door and settles back in his chair. He adjusts the camera. _"That was my neighbor. She wants me to mow my grass. Freaking old people."

~.~

_Snickering._

_Arthur slinks against his rocks, painstakingly slow. A small glowing dot shakes against stone as Alfred snickers behind the camera._

_The lunge!_

_Arthur tackles the dot, only to lift his hands in confusion._

_Alfred busts into laughter. The camera shakes accordingly. Arthur looks up, the tip of his tail twitching as he opens his mouth and lets out an annoyed, _"Murrrruh."

"Aw, I'm sorry, babe!" _Alfred stretches to tussle a hand through Arthur's bird's-nest-for-hair. _"See? It's just a light!"

_The dot dances on the rocks again. Arthur lifts a hand, and smacks at it. The laser is on the back of his hand. He jerks away._

_Alfred giggles, poking his babe's cheek. _"Silly guy-"

_Teeth clamp onto his hand. _

"Oh, ow! Wow-ow, ow!"

_Arthur slips away._

_The camera gives a giggle._

"Bastard."

~.~

[_The next video starts angled toward a sidewalk, along a stretch of grass at dusk. A pants leg is in view, and the camera trembles, catching a glimpse of Alfred's face from below.]_

"What are...is there something you want?"

"Are you Alfred Jones?"

"Yeah?"

_The camera shakes. It catches the lower halves of two fancy-suited men._

"Are you recording right now?"

"No." _Alfred waggles the device, and it dances along the dusk sky. _"I was just reviewing old stuff."

"Forgive our sudden approach. We came to understand that you have been...interacting with some interesting characters."

"Who? You?"

"There is no need to be defensive, Mister Jones. Your videos have caught the eyes of our organization. Perhaps you have heard of us?" _One of the men holds out a business card._

_Alfred hesitates before taking it and flipping it over. _"'Humanitarian Equity for Transpecies Association. HETA - because they have feelings, too.'" _He looks up, waving the card in a confused manner. _"Um..."

"We like to see ourselves as up and coming. To go around the community and discover new people, new things, and of course, seek sanctuary for transpecies. Fauna. This is the next step toward accepting them to live amongst us in a normal, day-to-day setting."

_Alfred grunts._

"You are already welcome in our alliance for befriending one of them. We are more than willing to let you speak to our leader. In fact, she's the one that asked us to reach out to you."

"Why?"

"Pertaining to your friend. That is as much information we can disclose at the moment."

_Alfred grumbles, staring down the business card, _"Like a secret society."

"Not so secret-"

_The other man touches his ear piece, then looks up, _"We're getting another call. Bear sighting. We must leave."

"Contact us, Mister Jones. We look forward to it."

_The suited men hustle back to their vehicle - a sleek, black, kidnap-a-grandma van. Alfred picks up the camera, aiming at the rear of the van as it drives away._

"That was freaking weird! Those guys looked like they're on FBI level. Sheesh. Coming over to me...looking all buff in those suits..."

_Alfred struggles with a shaky camera before the video ends._

_~.~_

_The woods again. It is dark. The snake den. Alfred strains around a thick, green tail to set the camera in front of himself before leaning against the stone wall._

"Brrr?" _Arthur picks up his head from a mess of scales. He curls more snugly around his catch before tucking himself in again._

"I don't know what to do," _Alfred says. He pinches the bridge of his nose. _"I mean, I know I shared these videos with the Internet, but...I just don't want these weird people to come looking for Arthur and sticking needles in his butt." _He smiles and pats a scaly behind. _"Or like, taking him away and doing weird experiments."

"Y'know, every time I go to leave, Arthur's been winding around me and keeping me to the ground until I stop trying to crawl away. It's all good! Like, not threateningly. He's not dangerous. I'm starting to think he really likes me in the same way I like him. Which is a lot!"

_Alfred chuckles to himself, dipping his face to his lap to hide a big grin. _"I remember when teachers and parents used to ask us when we were younger, 'Oh, what do you want to be when you grow up?' And like, it was always an astronaut, or something to do with archeology or animals. Totally didn't see myself going feral out in the woods with a gay snake-guy."

"Well, I don't know if he's gay, but..."

_Alfred's eyes trail along green scales. He gives himself a shake. _"Anyway! So, yeah, I don't want anybody getting us away from one another. But...if what these people say is true...then we could like, not have to meet all the way in the woods anymore. He could live with me! In my little house, and I could cook breakfast for him every morning, and I could show him my cool Let's Play's!"

"That's the thing, though. Would he even want to go somewhere else? I think he likes it here. Sometimes I wish he could talk. Like, talk like us."

_Alfred picks up his head. A sigh, _"I'm just...I'm just rambling. Trying to figure out what to do. There are laws protecting these guys, the, uh...fauna. Same laws for us, like, 'Thou shall not kill,' and stuff."

_Arthur springs up with chirp, spooking Alfred._

"But there's nothing about them being citizens yet. Only certain people can keep them in their houses for scientific purposes. As I said earlier, I don't want any needles going in Arthur's butt, if that's what it takes for him to live with me."

_Alfred grasps Arthur's cheeks to squish them together. _"I'm sure Artie doesn't want any needles in the butt, either! Don't cha? Don't cha, big guy-"

_Arthur twists, tackling Alfred to the floor. His tail wallops the camera, sending it flying. The rest of the video delves into squeaks of surprise, sounds of struggling, and then suggestive giggling._


	3. Part 3

_[A picture is uploaded to Alfred's blog. He grins big at the camera, holding it with both hands as it shows the top half of a simple yet effective black suit.]_

_[A description beneath says, _'That's it! I'm gonna do it! I'm going to see what the fuss is about! Wish me luck for Arthur!']

~.~

Various cameras pose through a modern office building. Suited men and women escort Alfred through long halls and an awkwardly quiet elevator ride.

On one of the upper floors, Alfred sits, hands on his knees and legs close together as two beefy men flank both his sides.

A petite blond woman comes out of the door where they are stationed, and flicks a long braid over her shoulder. "Mister Jones?"

Alfred looks up and pulls an uneasy smile.

"Miss Bonnefoy will see you now." A satisfied hum, "She is looking forward to it."

"Oh!" Alfred tosses a wide-eyed glance to the buff guys. "Thanks!" Without further ado, he pushes from the couch and skitters after the fancy woman.

The door opens, and she sings, "Oh, Michelle! _Je te donne un cadeau!_"

Another woman gasps behind a desk in the middle of a voluminous office (water fountain included), clapping her hands together for an excited moment. "It's him!" She squeals, "He's actually here!"

This 'Michelle' leaps around her desk, clocking a hip on an edge as she rushes over on wobbly heels. Alfred balks as she wounds her arms around him, excitedly humming with a big grin on her darker features. "Hi! Hi! Wow! What a welcome! Wow."

Michelle pulls away, flicking one of her brunette ponytails behind herself with a titter, "I've been looking forward to meeting you ever since you called!" She whirls around and pats a chair, "Here! Take a seat! Sit! Sit!"

Alfred jumps into one of the two leather seats with a rushed, "Okay! Okay!"

The other woman settles in the other chair much more calmly. Alfred stares at her until Michelle says, "Camille is here to take notes of this meeting." She gives a delighted squeal again, "I want every part of it preserved forever. This could be history, Mister Jones!"

Alfred glances around the room, fidgeting in his seat. "This, uh...is something fancy, that's for sure. Oh, just call me Alfred. Or Al."

Camille's pencil immediately scribbles on her notebook.

Alfred gives her a weird look.

"Not quite the top floor," Michelle says, her fingers intertwining into an excited clump on her desk, "but you're right! Real fancy! So, I'm sure you have questions. Spill!"

Alfred blinks, one side of his mouth pulling down. "Uh...those Men-In-Black guys said your...organization-thingy was like a sanctuary or something?"

Michelle tips her head and lets out a long, "Hmm?" She blips, "Yes! We have sanctuaries for the fauna being set up all around the world! This is just the headquarters. Well, not _just _the headquarters, I should say, but..."

She swishes a hand. "Do you know how ecstatic I was when I found out you only live a few cities over? It's not just coincidence, Mister Jones! Oops, Alfred! Heh. You were meant to be here!"

Alfred grins, looking dumbfounded. "Yeah! Guess I am!"

Michelle wiggles in her seat, scrunching her face in a delighted grin. "I watched every single one of your videos. Let me tell you, that is some quality footage!"

Alfred slouches in his seat. "Every single one?"

Michelle keeps chipper with a bouncy nod. "Every video! Yes!"

Camille lets out a dainty cough.

Alfred puts a hand on the back of his neck as his eyes wander away. "Yeah, that's...I guess that what happens if you upload videos on the Internet, huh? The whole world sees your butt?"

Michelle bobbles her head, pleased, "By letting us see your butt, Mister Alfred, you've opened opportunities for yourself and us! And...of course, our friend, Arthur. I wanted you to come here today so we can, um, discuss things!"

Camille flashes a thumbs-up.

"Oh." Alfred says, "Cool."

"Yep! Very cool of you to be here, Mister Jones! Alfred." Michelle taps her hands on the desk. "All right, what we do here is basically those organizations you see roping in homeless veterans, getting them jobs and healthcare so they can go back out in the world and make a living. Organizations for foster children, getting everybody off the streets...yeah. Ooh! Animal rescue! Mm-hm! All in one neat package, but for fauna! Our little...animal-people!"

"So you want..."

"Naga are extremely elusive fellas. We haven't managed to bring one in yet to study. Yet here you are, happening to stumble across one in the woods! Just like that!"

"Wait, what do you mean 'study?' I thought you said-"

"I'm well aware of your concerns, Mister Alfred. We're not going to stick needles in Arthur's butt. Unless he's really, really, sick, but based on your videos, I don't think we need to do any of that. If anything, when our friends are sick, we rather them ingest medicine like any person would than stick _needles _up their butts!"

Alfred stares.

Camille swishes a hand in the air.

"Oh!" Michelle puts her fingers to her mouth and giggles, "We study the fauna in their natural habitat, which we strive to create so we can discreetly get a reading on them and their behaviors without the stress on both sides of handling them in..."

Michelle's face screws up, "Captivity. Ugh. They're not animals. Well, I mean, not mindless beasts. That's what I mean. Yeah. We bring them in, set them up, make sure they're healthy, all before releasing them into their new home. They live healthily and happily while we can study their way of life closely, yet safely."

Alfred asks, "Well, do they have to live in sanctuaries? Can't they live with us?"

Michelle's mouth falls into an O. "That's something a lot of people are trying to reach for. On one hand, you can have ordinary cats and dogs and birds as pets, but other people don't feel...necessarily safe with...half-human beasts running around like we do."

She holds up a hand before Alfred says anything, "It's all a matter of ignorance. We're getting deeper and deeper into the lengthy process of teaching people that these guys are capable of feeling things just like us. We know they exist. People have successfully campaigned for their basic rights. There are now laws protecting them from foul treatment and...inhumane experimenting.

"We already have people signing up to our developing program to house some fauna in a traditional domestic setting to test civilian life! It's just a matter of time before they're going to be voting along side of us! Oh, I'm getting ahead of myself."

"Neat," Alfred says, leaning forward. "So, can I get Arthur into this program? Winter's going to come soon, and I don't want to leave him out in the woods like that."

"Well, if you're so concerned about our little buddy freezing his tail off, you're more than welcome to bring him here! Naga are warm-environment creatures. We have a great selection of desert biomes, jungle forests..." Michelle shakes her head. "Right, yes! Remember, we're still in the _studying _phase of our organization. Before we can start integrating the fauna into our world, we need to make sure both sides can handle it."

Alfred remarks, "We can handle murderers, drug addicts, and strippers just fine. And they're human. Surely they can handle people with cat ears and stuff?"

"Oh, yes, I'm sure they can. That's where our main problem lies, Mister Alfred. When my father founded this organization, he wanted to spread love and equality through every corner of the world. I often wondered if he even saw the fauna as what they were. It never seemed like he cared about what they were. Just that they were there, and happy."

Michelle focuses, "Unfortunately, he met some snags along the way. People are notoriously picky. Sure, they'll love up a lovely bunny-girl, or race on centaurs, because they're cute, something they can exploit easily. Familiar. Most of them are capable of familiar speech. Most of them can live in a familiar environment."

She swipes her hand over her face before nodding to Camille. Camille lifts from her seat to dig around in a filing cabinet behind the desk. "Those that may be a little more...beastly than human are most certainly intelligent on some levels, but they may not fully comprehend what we're trying to do. Or if they're on the level that they _do _understand, and let us help them...imagine the stress they would go through when they would merge with society, only to get shafted because of humanity's ignorance or the simple fact that they're not 'cute!' or 'fuzzy!'"

Camille sets a folder on Michelle's desk, and they exchange smiles before she finds her seat again.

Alfred says, "That would be awful."

Michelle gestures to her face, "Well, humans decided to hate other humans because they have more melanin in their bodies, so..."

"Yeah..."

"Anyway! This is where you will come in, Jones! A lot of people don't like snakes. I've seen my fair share of comments on your posts asking what are you thinking - in a bad way. We're going to show them! Just because some fauna are not cute and fuzzy, that doesn't mean they can't be loved."

Michelle flips open the folder and places a clipboard on Alfred's side of the desk. Alfred blurts, "Who says Arthur's not cute?!" He stunts back and stammers, "I-I mean...you know what? Yeah! Who says?!"

"People freak out over garden snakes," Michelle simply states. "Imagine what they would do if they saw a ten-foot man-serpent gliding down the street."

Alfred leans back on his chair. "Oh."

"That's why we have to educate them! School programs, interactive fairs, memes, you name it, Alfred, we will do it for them!" Michelle sings, tapping on the clipboard. "First things first, though, we need to know if he'll let us study him. This is about you now. If you want to take care of him, and have him, it will be a big legal process. Fill this out the best you can."

Alfred takes the clipboard and stares at it for a long while. "This is just asking for my personal information!"

"Like any resume? It's our personal information for your profile, Mister Jones. You have a guarantee it will not be shared or distributed in any way. It's just a matter of contact to get a hold of you for our following meetings."

"To help Arthur?"

"Yep! To help Arthur."

"When do you think is the soonest he can be in?"

Michelle grins, "I can have him hauled to our Eastern Sanctuary by the end of next week."

~.~

"Right here, Mister Jones?"

_The camera glimpses an unfamiliar face before landing on Alfred waving in the middle of the woods. _"Yep! Stay there. I'm going to lure him out-"

_A flash of green. Alfred is tackled to the forest floor._

"I got him!"

_The man behind the camera chuckles. The view shakes up and down over the naga curling around Alfred. He does not look happy about intruders slowly approaching. _"More like he got you!"

"Arthur! It's okay! These dudes are totally cool. Come on, I'll show you."

_Alfred holds a hand out. A worker in a bright construction vest steps closer._

_Arthur whirls on him and unleashes a powerful hiss._

_Alfred pats his head, cutting that off to a startled grunt. The worker takes Alfred's other hand and gives it a friendly shake. Arthur looks between them with wide eyes, before stretching his neck and opening his mouth to scent the man's glove._

_Another worker comes up and gently drapes the red blanket Alfred brought along over Arthur's shoulders, who chitters in surprise._

"The truck's ready!"

_Alfred taps his babe's tail, easing a leg away. Arthur grunts and wounds around it, bringing it close again with another sharp look around the clearing. The camera bobs up and down as the man behind it lets out wheezy laughter._

"Arthur, come on," _Alfred whines. _"We're going to get you out of here. Somewhere way better, I promise."

_Arthur grumbles._

_A worker steps close._

"Murr!" _Arthur flinches and whirls on a worker who put his hands on his tail._

"Whoa! Easy big fella."

"I don't think he's going to let us grab him."

"Wait,_" Alfred says. _"I have an idea." _He starts to wiggle backwards. Another disgruntled look. _"Come on, Grumpy Gums." _He plants a palm to Arthur's shoulder and shimmies out of his clutch. Arthur stares after him with wide green eyes. _"Come on!"

_Alfred pulls the blanket from Arthur, and stands up to wander way with a big grin on his face. Arthur glances between him and the workers, before slithering off to follow Alfred with a dubious series of grumbling._

_The camera trembles as it pans to Alfred hoisting himself into a truck bed. There are cushions lining the sides and bungee ties ready to strap down. He leans back and opens the blanket, giving it a shake, _"Come on! Come on, Artie! Come here! I miss you, babe! Come here! It's so much cozier up here, woo, woo!"

_Disgruntled muttering and a heavy dragging sound gets closer. The camera moves back a little for a long, scaly body to slide toward the truck. Arthur pulls his arms in front of himself to reel back and sniff at the vehicle's backside. He sneezes at the exhaust fumes._

_Alfred calls again, sweetly, _"Artie! Up here!"

_Shakily, Arthur peels himself from the forest floor, balancing on his tail before planting his palms on the open truck bed._

"Yeah!" _Alfred gives the blanket another eager shake. _"Up here! Come on, baby!"

_Another glare around the clearing. Arthur, none too pleased, wobbles side-to-side, surveying the vehicle before slinking over the rear door. He pauses, chirping and bobbing his head to Alfred._

"Mm-hm! Yeah, that's right. Come here."

_As soon as a scaly body presses into the blanket, Alfred clamps his arms and legs around him, tucking the rest of the red cloth around and under Arthur. Surprisingly, Arthur just scowls over the cover as the camera holder approaches the side of the truck._

"Holy cow! That actually worked?!"

"That was too easily," _a worker off-screen notes. _"How'd you do that, man?"

_Alfred shrugs and grins, pressing a quick kiss to his babe's forehead. A grunt from Arthur. _"No one can resist the burrito."

"A snake burrito."

"Exactly!"

_The worker relinquishes the camera back to its owner and begins to pull the bungee cords over the pair. It shows his stubbly face. _"We'll see how long that lasts when we start driving." _He pats the inside of the truck bed. _"Hang tight. It's a bit of a trip to the sanctuary."

"We got this! Isn't that right, babe?"

_Arthur unleashes a long squawk, appearing traumatized._

_~.~_

_[Outside security cameras catch several men hustling toward a fenced-off building. They carry a red-wrapped and squirming bundle. A scaly tail sticks out, whipping side-to-side as the bundle yowls in fury.]_

_~.~_

A lone camera stares down a leaf-littered area. A tree sprouts from the corner of the half-enclosed space, with the other being made of thick glass. Huge stones are piled beneath a powerful lamp.

One the other side, red cloth shifts. A pale face pops out, chittering in alarm. Wide pupils shrink to slits as a long, scaly body emerges to creep across the stones.

Arthur starts calling again, "Murr? Murruh! Murr!"

Two women and a man hustle to the glass. The brunette with pigtails cups her hands over her mouth. "Oh. Oh, my gosh!" She looks up to the blond man beside her. "It's him! It's really him!"

Arthur gawks as she puts her hand to the window. "Hi, baby! Ooh, I wish I could be on the other side of this glass right now!"

"Yeah," Alfred laughs uneasily, "I think he's had his fair share of people for today."

Arthur ducks, and begins to curl under and around himself, keeping an eye on the strange women beneath the safety of his scales.

"He's mellowed some," Michelle points out. One of the naga's ears twitch. "I didn't expect him to be that long! And heavy! Jeez, it took four men to get him in here!"

Camille notes, "And you simply let him lie on you, just like that."

Michelle giggles at Alfred's sourpuss look. He puts a palm to the glass. Arthur picks his head up. "Tomorrow's a different day," she says. "We'll let him rest now, and drop off some food later."

As the women pull away from the enclosure, Alfred stares for a long moment. No words pass between the glass. He hurries after Michelle and Camille.

~.~

"I thought you said you weren't going to stick any needles up his butt!"

"This isn't a needle, Mister Jones. It's a thermometer."

"You already took his temperature, though!"

"For his human half. We're going to need his reptilian half as well, to see how they fluctuate and function with one another."

"I'm sorry, baby."

A scientist kneels before the pair. Arthur's tail twitches irritably amongst leaves. He unleashes a yowl.

Alfred crunches forward to kiss at the blond hair hanging down his forehead. "I know, baby, I know. It's horrible what they're doing to you, huh?"

"That's the last of it!" The scientist stands and hustles to her collection of 'poke me' tools. "What a good patient!"

Arthur twists and crawls behind Alfred, glaring from the shadow of his backside. "Ha! Now he's pissed!"

"He might be a bit tender now," the scientist tosses over her shoulder as she opens a door etched into the wall designs. "So, don't go poking around back there!"

"What?! I wasn't going to!"


	4. Part 4

"How is he?"

"I think he's doing all right. After he realized that we were done moving him around again, that is."

Alfred and Camille stare over a deep pit. Many cameras capture the walkway above, shielded by thick glass, to low-lying plants, inside logs and trees. The sanctuary for Arthur spans in a large dome almost the length of a American football field, and almost double in width.

"See?" Camille taps on the glass. "He should be right around there."

Alfred presses closer to the railing. A glimpse of dark green glides over a boulder. He smiles and bounces on his toes, "When can I see him?! Can I go in there _now?_"

Camille keeps her eyes to the forest below. "We're going to give him at least several days to adjust. He has been poked, prodded and jostled around in probably the most in his life. Once that's settled, we can look into mingling him with others."

Alfred gives Camille a deep pout.

~.~

"Hey, you called. It sounded important."

Michelle performs jazz hands from her desk. "That's because it is! You'd never believe it!"

Alfred flops into one of the plush chairs before her. "Lay it on me, then!"

Michelle wiggles in her own seat, straightening to seem serious. "I just received a call this morning from our ambassador in Japan. There has been word of another naga somewhere in Taiwan! They want to get their hands on her!"

"That's...good! Right? That's good?"

"Oh, it's freaking great! I could start screaming!" Michelle holds her hands up and lightly puts out, "Agh! Okay! Phew. So, our Japanese branch is very interested in Arthur. They think if they could get the two together, we could start..._a breeding program! _Baby snakes!"

Alfred stills, hands gripping his arms rests as he gapes at Michelle.

"Ones that are raised into society. Oh, Alfred, do you know what kinds of opportunities this opens for us? For the fauna?" Michelle tips her head. "Alfred?"

"What?" Alfred is sharp, "You want to pass Arthur off as a _breeding _machine? Aren't there other snake-people you can use?!"

Michelle blinks. "Alfred." She is confused, "Naga are very solitary and rare creatures. You don't think it would be a miracle to bring more into the world? Why go and scour all over the place for a different naga when we have one right in our care?"

"You said you were going to help me get Arthur a good home!"

"He has a good home! You don't see? He's very healthy and happy. He's gained _at least _several kilos...pounds since we moved him here. He's _thriving. _Isn't that what you wanted?"

Alfred relents back on the chair. "I wanted to be with him."

Michelle lets off a little sigh. "You can be with him. Every step of the way. We'll keep him here. We're just introducing another life into his sanctuary, so he's not alone."

"He's _not _alone. He's with me! That's what I've been trying to say!"

"I think it's best for Arthur to be introduced to some of his kind. That is what we're striving for! Community and acceptance. If you can't accept that..."

"Then what?!"

"I think you should work on other projects."

Alfred storms out of Michelle's office.

~.~

[_Later, on his blog, a new post pops up, just words; _"UPDATE: Arthur's fine. The sanctuary is an amazing place. They won't let me see him, though. Will try to update soon."]

~.~

Michelle scans the text on her computer again and again. She sighs and exits the browser. Camille enters with two steaming cups and sets one on the desk. "Anything new?"

"Papa checked in. He said he bagged a sea hawk on the west coast."

"'Bagged' as in bedded, or 'bagged' as in taken to a sanctuary?"

"Knowing him? Both."

Camille shakes her head and takes a sip of her cup. "That man, I tell you." She nudges Michelle. "Oh, Honda called. He wants to organize a shipping date for our lovely lady to arrive."

Michelle brightens. "Do it as soon as possible. I want her First Class, right away. Think she can handle a plane ride?"

"She handled the boat ride from Taiwan...swimmingly."

The women chuckle over that one.

Camille leaves.

Michelle slumps her head in hand and flicks back on her monitor. She tacks on the keyboard.

~.~

[_Alfred receives a private message on his blog - from the HETA headquarters to share the arrival date of a new friend, and their wishes of him to be there.__]_

_~.~_

"Miss Bonnefoy! Someone's here for you! You better get down to Temporary Hold!"

"Oh! Oh, is she restless?"

"Get down here and see for yourself."

Various cameras show a flash of a woman in suit, twin pigtails flapping behind her as a couple of buff security guys try to keep up.

Camille gazes into the glass closure, watching a pale woman peek around the lone tree with big brown eyes.

"Oh, my gosh!" Michelle's shrill reaches the enclosure before she flails into view. The snake-woman shrinks as Michelle stops and puts her hands on her knees. "Woo, these guys got it right, not having feet. That means they won't get bunions, either, right?"

Camille puts a finger to her lips. "Certainly not on their toes."

Michelle flicks a pigtail behind herself and crouches. "Hey, sweetheart! Why don't you come over here and say hi?"

The naga cranes her neck, peeking from her spot, but does not move.

Michelle pouts and makes a fishy face. "Come here! Come here!" She hisses to Camille, "What does she go by, Xiao, or Mei?"

"Mei."

"Mei!"

The naga unleashes a, "Burr?"

Michelle copies her side-to-side swaying, still making kissy faces.

Mei mews, inching closer.

"Yeah! Come here, girl! Come here!"

A long, rosy-brown body trails in the leaves.

"Oh, yes! She's...she's coming closer! Hi! Hi!"

Mei pops over the rocks, crooning again as Michelle mimics her moves.

Camille grunts, "Miss, what in the world are you doing?"

"Shh!" Michelle huffs as she dances. "This was on Alfred's videos! I think they like it when you copy them. It tells them you are not a threat!"

Mei is now on top of the boulder pile, just a few steps from the glass. She sways to Michelle, all the while unleashing delighted strings of gibberish.

"Hi! Hi!" Michelle claps as the naga slinks down the rocks and settles before the window. She taps the glass excitedly, but not too loudly to frighten the snake-woman.

Mei rises, 'standing' at an impressive...not that tall, but her naked body flushes against the glass as she taps it after Michelle.

"Oh, you are so beautiful! Sweetie!" Michelle giggles, tossing Camille a big grin. "This is what I live for."

"I can see." Camille puts a fingertip to the glass, and muses as Mei copies just on the other side, "She is absolutely stunning. I'm sure her and Arthur will get along famously. Speaking of which, where is that Jones man? I figured he would be here, but I haven't seen him yet today."

Michelle's joyful antics lessen to a simple tapping on the glass. Mei soon bores of it and twists to rummage through the leaves littered on the ground. "He won't answer my calls. I left voice messages and even a message on his blog, but I still haven't gotten anything from him."

"Is he all right?"

"Yes. He made a post several days ago, and he liked a few fluffy kitty pictures this morning."

"He's ignoring us?"

"It would seem like it!"

Camille sighs, "Well, no use in waiting until he's done pouting. We have work to do."

~.~

Shuffling. A long body slinks through lush undergrowth. Stops. Whips around. Leaves rustle. Arthur's face steadily stares into a camera between a rock and a tree. Sharp fingers wedge into its crack and prod the glass.

Arthur retrieves his hand and sends a menacing green eye toward its blinking red light. He unleashes a deep grumble, and pulls away. There is a flash of scales, and scuffling behind the camera.

More human-like grumbling. A rock tumbles to the floor. Light hits the ground around the camera. Arthur peers into its hole again. He moves his lips, "Ba-ay?" He coughs, smacks his mouth, and tries again, "Brr...bah...bay...babe!" He barks, "Babe."

Staring.

More shifting.

"Ba-abe?"

A squeak. Arthur pivots his head to a certain spot. Someone dangles a wriggling mouse into the forest. Arthur's ear twitches. He turns back to digging around the camera.

The mouse squeals, getting closer. Someone off screen beckons, "Here, snakey, snakey. You hungry? Got a nice, juicy mousey for ya!"

A tail sweeps up, sending another stone away. Arthur clasps a hand onto the recording device. He leans in real close. His breath hits the glass as he sniffs. Furrows his eyebrows.

"Psst!"

Arthur pulls up. The mouse nearly smacks him in the face. He grunts and slithers around the camera, then back. His head swings back and forth, glancing around like a maniac. "Baye! Baye!"

The mouse again. Arthur snarls and leaps, smacking the thing away. The little creature squeals, its teeny legs wriggling madly as it dangles in mid-air.

"What's with you today? You aren't hungry?"

A new voice, "What's wrong?"

"Camille! Snakey's not biting."

"What's he doing?"

"I don't know. It looks like he's digging around."

"I've been notified that one of our cameras are being tampered with."

"He noticed one of them? No way!"

"Apparently so."

The mouse-line jiggles, and lets up. Arthur glances at the camera, staying in front of it as he presses his belly to the ground.

"You think he knows he's being watched?"

"Don't be absurd. That-" Camille stops. "You know what? I think he does. In a sense. His previous keeper always had a recorder in his face. Perhaps he is associating the two."

"Oh, weird. Get back in there, little mousey. Looks like you're living another day, huh?"

"I would have preferred for them to have to have a private den away from the main gist of things, but if Arthur does not want to move, then we won't make him."

"So, what now?"

"I'll notify Michelle. Sadiq, get Mei ready. We're going to assimilate her to the sanctuary."

"Right on, boss."

~.~

Arthur poses by the exposed camera. He puts his hand on it, disgruntled and confused. He pulls himself to investigate and taste the air, dragging himself in a small circle around the device. Whatever he looks for is not there. He flops on an elbow, and wags his tail irritably. A claw breaches one of his nostrils.

The leaves along the ground stir. Arthur is up in a flash, curling himself around the camera. Just a bit of space between his thick coils show some light and a new face peering around a nearby tree.

Mei tips her head, spilling her long silky hair to the side. She lets out a short cheep. She sways, before leaping behind another tree. Arthur unleashes a startled grunt as the snake-woman peeks around her new hiding spot.

Arthur does not move.

Another chirp. Mei lowers herself to the ground, slowly putting an arm before herself to drag forward. Her eyes stay big and steady.

Arthur quickly squirms. She stops. He pulls himself to fully sit straight, now in full view of the camera.

Mei lets out another soft curl across the clearing.

Arthur's tail tip starts to wag. Another slither closer, and he releases a long, deep growl. Mei stops in her tracks. She tips her head again, and curiously chitters.

Arthur keeps still, aside from the quaking in his tail tip.

The snake-woman spews a rush of noises, grumbles and squeaks before turning away and slinking into the undergrowth. Arthur stares after her retreat for a long moment before lowering himself to the ground again.

~.~

"Alfred, we would prefer _very much so _for you to come in here! There's plenty of work to be done at the sanctuaries and any bit of help is appreciated! We're concerned over your well-being. At least call me back. Michelle."

Michelle snaps her phone into its receiver and stuffs her hands to her face. Not her headquarters, but still a pretty fancy office. There is a knock on the door. She straightens. "Come in!"

Camille struts to the desk. "Have you been keeping an eye on the snake pen's cameras?"

"No, why?" Michelle tacks on her computer. "Is something wrong?!"

Camille comes around the desk and points to the screen. "See that?"

"That's Arthur." Michelle squints. "He seems okay?"

"Oh, he is. He just unearthed one of the cameras. It's disguise is ripped and strewn all along the ground. See?"

"Oh, oh, yeah. That's weird. Shouldn't he also destroyed the camera?"

"Either way, he didn't. He's too infatuated with it."

"What? Why?"

Camille gives a curt shrug. "Perhaps it's his reflection he sees in the lens? Or the red light?"

Michelle gasps, "The red light?"

"Yes. One of the feeders brought a laser pointer in and started to mess around. Arthur went nuts over it. Don't worry, I promptly told him off about it-"

"No!" Michelle smacks her desk. "That...that explains it! Alfred played with a laser pointer in some of his videos."

Camille stares. "So, the next course of actions is to...remove that device."

"So dramatic?"

"We acclimated Mei into the sanctuary, but he would not leave the camera alone. Mei found him, but he chased her away."

"What?!" Michelle grips one of her pigtails. "Arthur didn't hurt her, did he?"

"No. It's just a matter of that camera. Once we get rid of it, he should be more accepting to Mei."

Michelle's mouth pulls down. "Yes. I suppose that will have to do. Give Mei her evening meal, but wait until morning for Arthur. He should be hungry enough to leave that area to find something to eat."

Camille puts her hand on Michelle's shoulder. "A brilliant plan. I'll send in one of the boys to remove the wires, then."

"Thanks, Camille."

~.~

Crunching. A green, scaly tail snakes through the trees. Arthur hangs his head out of the canopy, upside down and scowling. He takes a random leaf into his mouth and chews on it.

Muttering, he swallows hard before slinking into the canopy again.

Squeaking.

Arthur's head erupts from the leaves. A mouse scurries across the forest floor. His mouth pops open, tasting the air. His pupils explode into wide, black orbs as he slowly lets himself to the ground. A camera focuses on the mouse's backside as it picks itself up and sniffs the air.

A flash of green rolls over the camera's view. The little creature is gone. Arthur slinks into view, the mouse now limp in his mouth as he glares at a spot over the trees. He shimmies away, stopping at a small bundle of boulders, and sets his meal down before plucking at it.

The bushes rustle. Arthur stills, mouth over his meal. Mei pops out of the undergrowth, cheeping pass her own catch. She stops, staring, but Arthur goes back to his mouse. She eases, and slithers to the rocks to eat beside him.

Mei gazes at Arthur the entire time, while Arthur keeps his eyes on his meal until the whole thing is nearly gone. He pulls away, swiping his tongue over his lips. Mei abandons her half-chewed meal to glide alongside him.

Arthur stops, letting out a low grunt.

Mei perks up, chirping. Without reaction, she dips her head, bopping up and down before tugging closer. Arthur furrows his eyebrows as she jerks back with a startled cheep, until she comes closer again.

Another grunt. Mei opens her mouth and holds her face to Arthur's neck - it is obvious to the trained eye that she scents him. She brings herself closer, pressing their shoulders together as her tail tip twitches in delight.

Arthur blinks, before nudging his nose to Mei's forehead. She unleashes something close to a purr, lifting her face to stare into Arthur's. He flinches, and puts his hand on top of her head before pulling away, grumbling and appearing pissy.

Mei stares after his lame wriggling with disbelief evident on her face.

~.~

"Argh! I don't know what's up with him! He won't mate with Mei, and he keeps circling around that spot where the old camera used to be!" Michelle pats her palms against her face a couple of times.

She pulls away, tapping a finger to her temple as she fast-forwards through days of an unresponsive naga. "So weird. Apparently, they're not blindly horny like most males in other species." She holds up a hand to nothing in particular, "I said most."

Michelle scribbles something in a journal. "Maybe the temperature is too high? No, because Mei is flourishing." She gasps, "Maybe Arthur's too old!" She stares at the ceiling for a moment before her head slouches. "No, he had no problem getting around before. Hm..."

She picks up her phone and dials. "Hey, Camille! Do you think nagas can have Viagra? Asking for a friend. N-no! I wasn't going to give Arthur any! I'm just brainstorming!"

Michelle sighs, slouching, "Yeah, still nothing. I don't want to go to the scientists about it just yet. I'll know they'll want to do all sorts of poking around and we're trying to avoid that. No, I'm just...I guess I'm just ranting. Okay. Thanks. Bye."

Michelle puts her head in her hands again.

~.~

A camera above the walkway shows a woman approaching the snake sanctuary. Below, a long green body is Arthur catching sunlight streaming through the glass ceiling. Michelle busts a squat and unleashes a guttural yell.

Arthur thrashes, tossing his head around before he sees Michelle. He furrows his brows, and lets out a bewildered, "Euuuuuh?"

"WHY WON'T YOU HAVE SEX?!"

"Miss Bonnefoy?" A man's voice came from the side of the walkway. Michelle immediately springs to her feet and spins toward a security officer. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah! Never been better! Just taking a walk around, catching a breather, all right? See you!"

~.~

Michelle is on her phone again.

"ALFRED JONES. How hard is it to pick up your damn phone. Great, now you really ticked me off. Stop being spiteful and _please _come check on your snake! Something's wrong with him. He's...he's not...I don't know. He's acting weird! So, you better come here or he might EXPLODE...o-or something!"

Michelle hangs up the phone and tips her head back, releasing an irritated groan.


	5. Part 5

"Miss Bonnefoy, you have a visitor."

Michelle picks up her head from her desk.

Another day, another handful of videos lacking hot naga action. For the sake of their species, of course.

"What?! I mean, come in!"

The door bursts open. Alfred strides across the small office and slaps a hand to Michelle's desk. He looks like he just pulled himself into the world of the living with a baggy hoodie and jeans. "What's happened to Arthur? You guys told me he would be safe here! Did you stick needles in his butt?!"

"Will you shut up?!" Michelle leaps from her seat. "You've been MIA for almost _three _weeks, and you think you can just bust in here, demanding answers?! You can kiss your resume goodbye!"

"Fine!" Alfred snaps as he stomps after her. "It's not like you let me see Arthur anyway, which is like, the only reason I brought him in here in the first place!"

Camille waits above the snake sanctuary. She stares at Alfred's arrival with a stern expression. Michelle stops before the glass and jabs a finger at a naga draped backside-up on a bundle of rocks. "There! Look at him!"

Alfred nears the glass, staring for a long moment. "He's...sleeping?"

"Mei has been in there for more than two weeks, giving him every sign under the Sun that she is interested, but he won't do anything! The _least _you can do after ignoring us is to go down there and talk some sense into your boyfriend!"

Alfred turns to Michelle, towering over her with a dark look. "Michelle, the only, and I mean the _only _reason you have Arthur right now is because of me! _I _brought him here! I'm the one that pulled him out of his life for you guys, only for you to bar me from being with him! Don't call and call me over and over again just because he's not acting right after everything!"

Michelle scoffs, "We didn't deny you anything, Alfred! You storming out on us was childish!"

"Well, forgive me! Bringing a chick for him to bang kind of dampens the relationship, don't you think?!"

Camille watches with an odd scrunch to her mouth.

Michelle takes a step back. Opens her mouth. Closes it. Lets off a sigh. She begins more carefully, "I don't want to be at odds with you, Alfred. Especially over this. I just...I just want the best for the fauna. It's a beautiful environment. Mei loves it. I feel like Arthur would, too."

Alfred curtly points out, "That's hindsight speaking."

"It is," Michelle admits. "He's been _moping. _Please, his scales are going to go grey if he keeps it up. We both want the best for him. Let this be a mistake I can learn upon for others, and find out the cause for this...nuance behavior. If not for us, then for him."

Alfred eases, only slightly. He says, "Of course I will. For him. But I want something, Michelle."

A hard look. "Within reason, Jones. I can't break the law for you."

"You told me your program offers in-house living for these guys. Well, I want in. With Arthur."

"Deal." Michelle did not need a moment more. "Now, please, whatever is wrong with him-"

Something whacks the inside of the glass. Alfred and Michelle yelp as Camille takes one step away.

Michelle peeks over the railing. "What...what was that?!"

Alfred realizes with a worried mumble, "Oh, man, he's _mad..."_

Another 'something' is thrown. She yelps and ducks as the object bounces away.

Alfred clamps on the railing and shouts into the pit, "Hey! Stop throwing shit!"

Arthur unleashes a furious yowl from the forest floor.

"I don't care! What if that broke the glass and hit somebody?!"

Camille murmurs, "It's practically bullet proof."

Arthur says nothing else, but remains 'standing' on his pile of rocks, tail lashing back and forth.

Alfred relents, grabbing a fist-full of his own hair, "Okay, I do care, but-"

_"Rooooowl!"_

"Ugh!" Alfred turns to the ladies. "Let me in there already!"

Camille pushes up her glasses with a sharp look. "I'll unlock the sanctuary."

Michelle puts a hand to her forehead.

~.~

Arthur remains on his perch, glowering at an intruder. The lower floor's door closes behind Alfred, and Camille scrams to join Michelle on the observation deck.

The mouse slowly lifts his hands, taking a step to the side, "Okay, I know you're mad-"

_"Grr..."_

"_Really _mad! I-I just wanted to stay away, well, I-I didn't _want _to stay away, but-"

Arthur lashes forward, only a bit. It's enough to make Alfred shriek and leap backwards a few feet.

"I couldn't watch while you got it on with some snake-chick, all right?! But I know that you haven't, and you've been waiting for me the whole time! I feel bad! Okay?!" Alfred shakes his arms from his sides, "I feel bad! Is that what you wanted?!" An ugly wail, "I missed you!"

The tip of Arthur's tail flicks. Claws prick his palms. He lunges off the stones. He is a lightening strike as he zips forward and throws Alfred to the forest floor.

"Agh! Fuck!" Alfred spits under a pile of coiling scales. His head pops up for a moment and he sputters for air, "Okay! Seriously-" He goes under again from a thin arm jamming him back down, "Ow!"

Arthur's face finds his neck.

"Oh, ow, ow, ye-ow!" Legs kick against the leaf-littered ground, "Uh, uh, he's biting...he's biting me!"

Michelle shouts down the trees, "He's probably mad!"

"Probably?!" Alfred wreaths against a tail, but it's useless. "Okay, okay, _okay!_" He pleads as Arthur shifts and sinks his chompers in a different spot. "Oh, that one wasn't so bad."

Fangs retreat and are quickly replaced by eager lips, murmuring and brushing against any exposed skin.

"Okay," Alfred says more gently. He manages to free an arm to cup the back of Arthur's head and coax him closer, which earns a happy curl against his throat. He sighs, and a smile gets the best of him. "Guys! I think he's okay! I'm not sure why he has a problem with you."

Michelle actually lets out a growl as she glowers down the trees.

"Eek! Whoa, hey! Don't put you hand there...Arthur!"

Camille studies legs and a scaly tail squirming against the forest floor. "That's odd. He's reverted back to the Arthur we saw in the videos."

"I-I'm happy to see you, too, but...agh, okay, I'm _really _happy to see you-"

Michelle shoves a clump of her hair spilling from one of her bows away from her face. "I was starting to think that maybe the environment wasn't authentic enough, or he was bumped and jostled too many times. I mean, Mei is more used to traveling and getting hauled all over, and that we might have _snapped _something in the poor guy!"

Obviously not snapped in anyway, the pair flops over amongst the leaves and grass.

Camille stares with a blank expression.

Michelle scrubs her chin, cheeks getting pink. "He wanted nothing to do with Mei." She slaps the railings and hollers, "Oh, my gosh! He's _gay!_"

Camille blinks and turns to the other woman with a calm, "Pardon?"

Michelle flaps her arms, heels clicking on the ground as she dances, "We have a gay snake on our hands! That means they're on our level of preferences! It's another way humans can relate to them! No scary, mysterious creature! He just wants love! This is greater than I could ever have imagined."

"Oh, that's great, dear, but are we really going to let them fornicate on the ground like that? It seems like a waste of...materials, if you know what I mean."

Michelle squawks, "Artificial insemination, yes! That's what we'll do! Get the supplies! I have to tell Alfred!"

~.~

"Alfred!"

Alfred yelps, legs trapped under scales as Michelle blunders into the sanctuary, hands over her eyes. "Um, do you mind?!"

Michelle blindly waves a hand. "I...we think...nagas are capable of...having preferences. We think that Arthur might be a little bit gay!"

Alfred blinks. A palm kneads between his legs, making him squeak, "U-uh, a little?"

Arthur purrs, enjoying what he feels.

Camille busts in with tubes, containers, rubbery parts, and a triumphant smirk. "I have the tools!"

Michelle glimpses over the pair, then prods her fingertips together. "Oh, cool. You see, I think our previous problem still stands. There aren't that many naga just lying about, so..."

Camille clicks two parts together and holds them high for the world to see. "Nothing a little science can't fix!"

Alfred puts a hand to Arthur's shoulder, "Whoa! Just what the heck is that thing?!"

"It's an extracting device! You're going to use it to harvest semen out of-"

"Augh! Don't say that!"

Camille lowers her devices.

Michelle sputters, "What's the problem? If you both have issues with the traditional way, this is the next best step. Once you have everything out and ready, you can put this on Arthur and-"

Alfred screams. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, dude! I don't want to do that kind of stuff when everyone's watching!"

"Seriously?! I seen your videos! We all seen them-"

"I can't do it if it's all science-y and there's..._stuff_ between us! Like, metal, rubbery science-y stuff..."

Camille gestures to the pump, "It's specifically designed for maximum comfort while pleasuring-"

_"Aggggggh!"_

Michelle snatches the 'tools' from Camille and tosses them at Alfred. They bounce off his bicep. Arthur thrashes, jerking from Alfred's shoulder to hiss at the woman.

"Oh, hush!" She says, putting her hands on her hips. "Who do you think has been taking care of you this whole time?"

Camille puts in, "The men who feed him the mice, miss?"

"Ugh! Camille! Don't be rude!"

"Right, yes, dear, because _I've _been the rude one."

Alfred's face becomes evidently pinker by the second as he nonchalantly skirts from the tubes littered on the floor. "So, um..."

Michelle whirls on him again. "You still care about Arthur?"

"Yes!"

"You still want to continue with the housing program?"

_"Yes!"_

Michelle jabs a finger to the tools. "Then, get to work, because we still need a new generation of nagas!"

Camille nods her head. "We'll be around in...oh, a half hour or so. Plenty of time. Good luck!"

Alfred looks nauseous as the women take their leave. Arthur puts a palm over his cheek and pulls a toothy smile.

~.~

Within a handful of minutes, Alfred, Arthur, and the tools are gone. The bushes shake, and Mei crawls out with a questioning chirp at the newfound stillness in the sanctuary.

~.~

_A home camera shakes. Alfred puts it on a flat surface, grinning in a dim-lit living room with a traditional Santa hat on his head. A Christmas tree is bright behind him, and a blond man relaxes on the floor, his ugly knitted back of a sweater to the camera._

_Alfred sings, _"Guess what I got for Christmas?" _He looks over his shoulder. _"Psst!"

"Burr?" _Arthur twists to stare for a moment. He eases along the carpet to contently gaze at Alfred._

"Hi, babe!"

_A low grunt._

"How you doing? You doing good? Yeah? You doing good?"

_Something like a, _"Yeah."

"Uh-huh? I love you!"

_Arthur ducks his head, pawing a palm at his face as he turns to the tree again._

_Alfred grins at the camera. _"That's right! You're going to be seeing a lot more of these guys slithering around. In more ways than one!" _He points forward and announces, _"A bit of shameless promotion, but HETA is hosting an adoption catalogue this New Year's, so you can start off on the right foot, or hoof, or paw, or...whatever this year! What better way to do it than with a furry, scaly, or even _naked _friend?"

_A different take, _"But don't like, let them run around naked. It's really cold outside!"

_Another cut, _"Baby, it's cold outside!"

"Details are in the description of this video. Arthur and I are going to be at the Eastern Sanctuary Fair at that time, so I'm looking forward to seeing some of you guys there!"

_Again, to Arthur, _"Oh, baby, it's coooold! Outsiiiiiiiide!"

_Arthur tackles Alfred to the floor, out of view, which effectively cuts off his absurd singing._

_~.~_

_Arthur now sports the Santa hat, digging around his nose as Alfred plucks presents from the floor._

"Woo! Look at all these stuffs we got! People love you, man! Of course, they love me, too, but I don't need to say that. Even though I just did." _Alfred tosses a wink to the camera. _"So, we're going to unpack all this stuff you guys sent us! How exciting! I've been looking forward to this. I haven't opened _any _packages I got in the mail in the last, like month just in case it was a present."

_Alfred plucks the camera from its stand and pans to the bottom of the Christmas tree being engulfed in gift-wrapped boxes and bags. _"There might be something from my bro and Santa in there, but look at all this fan mail! I'm so freaking excited." _To Arthur, _"Aren't you?"

_Arthur pops a claw into his mouth, staring over the camera, at Alfred._

_The camera bobs up and down. _"Yeah! He's ecstatic!" _Alfred plunks the camera back on its stand and turns to tackle the present pile._

"First present!" _Alfred lifts a card in front of his face. He rips it out of its envelope and opens it. Tacky music plays, and he tosses his head back, cackling. _"Oh, man! Oh! Man!"

_Alfred holds the card to the camera. A 3-D Santa moons his audience as the piece of card paper he is drawn on jiggles from a spring attached to the rest of the card. _"Thanks for the holiday wishes...uh, DieHardTwinkieFan. Yep."

~.~

_Alfred pulls out a piece of leathery material, bright red, and furrows his eyebrows as little buckles clink together. _"What is this?" _He shifts and dangles it in various positions. _"Is this...is this a BIKINI?!" _He gapes at the camera. _"Dude! Is that why one of you asked for my size?!" _He holds up a masterpiece of straps, leather, and extra fabric in the front. _"IT'S A LINGERIE!"

~.~

"Aw, look! Little action figure bobble heads! Something normal! Thanks, MissusCoolDude6969!"

~.~

_[Text pops on the screen, 'SOUND WARNING!']_

"Oh, my God, oh my God!" _Alfred holds up many gift cards to various restaurants and shops. _"Look at all these-" _He cuts off to an ear-piercing shriek. Arthur jumps, eyes going wide as Al throws the gift cards over his own head._

_They rain down, and a clump hits him in the face on the way to the floor. _"Ow! Thanks, you guys! Jeez! We're going to have a whole bunch of shopping to do!"

~.~

"Holy, shit, no way!" _Alfred makes an O face at the camera. He holds up a box, tapping on the sender address. _"Wow, that's HETA headquarters! They sent me something?!" _He starts to tear into it. _"You know, the founder's daughter and I...well, we kind of had a bit of a...disagreement with what to do with Arthur, but if it's like, a care package or something, you think we're good to be chill again?"

_In the background, Arthur pops his tongue out, waggling it idly as Alfred pulls out bubble wrap and packaging peanuts._

"I really hate these things," _Alfred tosses a peanut at Arthur, but it doesn't go very far. _"They're like STDs you can get in the mail."

_Alfred stares at another unmarked box. _"Cool. A box inside of another box. Thanks, guys."

_Arthur sticks a packaging peanut in his mouth._

_That box is opened, and Alfred produces a rubbery object with tubes and whatnot inside a plastic bag. He scrunches his face as he tears open the baggies and pulls out the contraction._

_Alfred holds the thing in front of the camera, puzzled as he lifts a long, flexible tube from the side. "What the..." He immediately drops it. It clatters to the floor. He pushes to his feet and stomps off screen. A packaging peanut pops in Arthur's mouth._

"For f...freaking out loud! _That's a damn penis pump!"_

_Arthur stares into the camera while slowly putting another peanut in his gullet._

_Alfred crouches in front of him and plucks the bit away. Arthur lets out a whiny growl. _"Look, I know we call them peanuts, but you don't eat these! Come on, Artie! You're supposed to be showing people how smart you are!"

~.~

"Last present!" _Alfred sighs, turning a decent-sized gift wrapped box in hand with a wistful look in his eyes. _"It's from my bro." _He cracks a grin. _"Saving the best for last. Hopefully. Ha."

"He can't be here right now, 'cause he's taking care of our buddies in our Canadian Branch, but you'll be seeing him down here for New Year's!"

_Alfred digs around the box, pulling out bubble wrap. He tips his head back, _"Mattie!_ Yes! _See, he knows. Bubble wrap!" _He pops a few bubbles, before relinquishing the sheet to Arthur. Arthur puts one corner of the sheet in his mouth, experimentally popping some with his teeth. _"Woo, lots of stuff in here!"

_Alfred picks up two small sheets of paper. _"They're...tickets?" _He gasps, jigging his legs against the floor, _"They're tickets! Hey, there's a note in here. 'Your turn to host. I want to see your team get their butts handed to them on their own ice.' Hey, Mattie, fuck you!"

_Giggles. _"That's why you asked me to request off from work that day. Okay." _Alfred puts the hockey game tickets to the side with a careful hand, then proceeds to tear into the rest of the bubble wrap. It was basically a care package, _"Some...ooh, some fancy...chafing ointment? Oh, yeah, 'cause Arthur's kind of shedding bad. Winter, I tell you. Some..._hemp _oil? Jeez, bro, you weed-brain. Look, it's got a picture on it, too! That's no Japanese maple! That's a _weed _leaf!"

[_Turns out, hemp oil has nothing to do with the actual smoking part of the plant, as Alfred disappointingly finds out later after nearly sticking the bottle up his nose.]_

"Aw! Thanks so much, bro! Can't wait for you to get down here. He says he has _another _surprise for me. Apparently, he's bringing a buddy along! Looks like we both got in touch with our wild side!"

"Anyway! That's all for right now. Remember, I'm going to be at the Eastern HETA Sanctuary New Year's Eve! If I don't see you there, catch my next video - Arthur and I are going to try making our own bath bombs! Merry Christmas! Say 'Merry Christmas,' Artie!"

_Nothing._

_Pop._

_Alfred smacks at the camera, fiddling with the buttons as his head goes back and forth, trying to turn off the device and scold his snake-boyfriend, _"No, Arthur! Stop eating the bubble wrap!"

_The video ends._

* * *

_A.N. - :) :) :)_

_It's weird writing up Christmas-y scenes in the middle of the summer._

_Anyway, honestly, originally, I did not intend to make HETA or Michelle or anybody the 'Bad Guy' so to say, rather both parties doing wrong, then coming together to be on the same side again at the end. It just so happens that Michelle wound up being _more _wrong in this instance...and Al just wants to touch snake butt. Don't deny a man of his rights. I still love Seychelles and that little fish she always seems to be carrying around in every official art, okay!_

_Barring that this is my first rated M fic_ ever,_ I may or may not write a few more tidbits for this one, but the main story is done. Maybe I'll do Matthew's gig and what he gets into in Canada? (It'd probably be a RusCan fic, though. Bears, dudes. BEARS.) OMG, or the Two Gays could raise a baby snake together! Ideas! Ideas! _

_This was a wild ride to write - really strange, but awesomely experimental, and I hope it goes the same to read...in a good way, of course. :) Enjoy the rest of your day, or night, or whatever. :)_


End file.
